college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
