He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
