just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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