I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
