Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
