I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
