what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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