i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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