You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
