we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
