can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
