Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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