I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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