help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
