I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
