I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
