She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
