i was rollin on her like bob the builder
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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