here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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