its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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