What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
