It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
