Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
