Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
