Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
