Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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