So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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