you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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