it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
