So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
