you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
