i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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