Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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