I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize