I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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