we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
We named our party play list daddy issues
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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