I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
