Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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