Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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