I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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