3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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