I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
