Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
