i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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