I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
