I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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