I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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