he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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