So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
