she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Randomize
