I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
