At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
