am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
