and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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