Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
