Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
