I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize