My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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