You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We got so high we made milksteak
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
